Best line I've read all day

"You were once shoved head first through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?"

Baby's got a media bomb.

Transformers - Could have been much worse. If they had worked on the script as much as the effects you might have had something. Turn your brain off at the door and you'll be better off.

Simpsons Movie - If you like the Simpsons, you like the Simpsons. This is written by a cast of dozens but tied together by the hands down best Simpsons writer - David Silverman(if i'm thinking of the right guy..). It's essentially a long episode. It's got some good laughs, there are very noticeable uses of the Futurama style 3-D rendering, and I ultimately felt like I spent my money well. If you make a drinking game out of taking a drink every time a different/new Springfield resident comes on screen you will die.

A Night at the Museum - Nice movie, good casting, should be top of the list if you've got kids and you're looking for a movie night.

The Unit - Not actually a movie, but I watched the first disc on Saturday. The first episode is what they would be showing on Lifetime if the network was actually for special forces personnel with a dash of desperate housewives on the homefront. It improved immeasurably by episode 4 - not sure if it's just me getting used to the style and characters, but I'll definitely watch another disc of it.

Twinkle Star Sprites - Also not a movie, but actually the deepest 1v1 puzzle shooting game out there. I think we played this for about 2 hours Friday. If you don't have Gametap, check it out.

Pescado apocalypse

I dunno what's going on with the fish tank these days.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I had a fish jump out of the tank. Dumb bastard jumped the back side, slid down the wall, and ended up under the old dresser I've got the tank on. Sean was able to get his hand under there with a net to drag him out. He was covered in dust, but we dropped him back in and he seems fine today. He probably spent about 90 seconds sucking air. This was one of the blue Frontosas, but the smallest in the tank. Always getting beat up on..

In the same tank today Lauren noticed that Fester wasn't looking so hot. Firstly she was actually out and about instead of hiding and giving us all the evil eye. Secondly, she was huffing and puffing and kind of floating at a funky angle. An hour later I turn my head from the computer and I'm treated to the sight of Fester now on her back at the bottom of the tank, guts already all eaten out by the others. I really can't believe how fast they chowed down.

So that's 2 deaths this year so far and one attempted suicide. The first one, earlier this year, seemed pretty random. One of the yellow labs had his back half eaten off before I got home from work. Fester was probably pretty old, so that made some sense. Fish wasn't right in the head anyway. Hopefully this lower tank population means a bit more calm and the Frontosas being able to grow a bit better.

Maybe I need to arrange for.. accidents.. to happen to the half breeds now.

There is a disturbance in the Force.

I can't believe it.

Seriously.

What the hell just happened?

I went to a new place to get my hair cut.

I described how I like it to the guy.

He's an older guy who's been cutting hair for 31 years on Oak Park Avenue here in Oak Park.

He gave me a great haircut. He didn't try to strike up a conversation during the cut. He was to the point when we did talk.

I put my glasses on and it looked exactly like I wanted.

Then it only cost $16.

This has never happened. I've gone up to FOUR YEARS without a haircut in the past because I'm never happy.

This guy is guaranteed my money until he goes out of business.

The magic of Wrigley.

The Friendly Confines of Wrigley Field are wonderful.

New Comiskey/U.S. Cellular Field is pretty good.

Miller Park is definitely better than U.S. Cellular.

But the way that the latter two are completely owned by Wrigley is in something so simple as the bathrooms. If you go to the Cell or Miller and you're sampling their profit beverages, you will be required to hit the washrooms. You get to the facilities in either of those parks and you're stuck in line for a urinal. Stuck in line like a common woman! Lines should not exist in men's rooms! Blasphemy! Also, this line jockeying foments great conflict between the fans of the home and the visiting teams. I've seen multiple fights breaking out like grade school as dickery of many kinds surface.

The one true urinating experience is the one you can only get at Wrigley - the trough. The trough is the urinal equivalent of a bag of holding - it holds an unlimited number of men. NO LINE. That is valuable sitting time that I am conserving for the game itself. Also, there's nothing like a crowd of men standing around, holding their junk, chanting out LET'S GO CUBBIES!

Thankfully I've never seen an incident like below. I shudder at the idea..

Razor vs. chicken.

Occams's Razor..

"All things being equal, the simplest solution tends to be the best one."

Oh how I love thee.

What a lovely thing to pop out into arguments as a last ditch effort.

It seems like there should be an alternate version which I am provisionally titling "Occam's rubber chicken."

"All things being equal, the funniest solution tends to be the best one."

This will be most useful as a hail mary when some ridiculous story of mine is heading south - I can invoke the power of Occam to back my ass up. It'll totally work.

My first million.

I've decided that I can make my first million dollars selling bumper stickers that say "You're not a dog, so get off my ass."

Alternatively, Calvin peeing on a ribbon.

Either one of those should do it.

Nostalgiaiaia

Managed to watch the Reno 911! movie before Blockbuster demanded it back..

I never thought I'd find myself reminiscing about how much better the Police Academy movies were than this. I guess it helped that I was under 12 at the point that I watched most of them.

Favorite scene - when the mousy officer begged Lt. Dangle for some pity sex and he proceeds to chug his half bottle of Jack, proceeding to fail at breaking it on the wall. Also, the stylized next door sex scene that they implied was the same couple until they notice the camera and drive them away.

What I really want is a Viva Variety movie. Now Mr. and (the former)Mrs. Laupin(the same actors as the scene above) are a couple that probably had extremely stylized sex..

Bonus trivia - the actor for Lt. Dangle went to Oak Park and River Forest high School.