Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

(keep in mind that this post has been exaggerated for literary purposes and I just had way too much caffeine and sugar)

I seriously need to throw away all this Christmas candy now.

My first thoughts are that I could go to the Junior High next door and hand it out. On further thought, though, I may have troubles if a restraining order forces me to stay on one half of my apartment to maintain the appropriate distance.

I was forced to deal with the horrors of the girl scouts coming around work on Friday. I seriously hate them. Their fathers all work in the office and they all have specific territories marked out in relation to their offices. So you're kinda marked as to who you're supposed to buy cookies from. They come around and there's NO polite way to say GET YOUR GODDAMNED COOKIES AWAY FROM ME. I mean, how do you say "sorry, get out of my face" and be able to work with their parents again? Not that I hate the cookies, it's that I have NO SELF CONTROL. It's a very simple algebra. If I HAVE a box of cookies, I EAT a box of cookies. And these little monsters have no alternatives that will help them get their cookie selling patches. I can't have them just send the cookies to Africa or just throw them away for me. If I pay them the money, they are required to give me the cookies.

After trying to negotiate the equivalent of Carbon Credits for cookies, I ended up just talking to this scout's mom and handing her a direct donation. They were sad that I couldn't help her towards being the top cookie seller, but apparently the girl scouts get less than a dollar per box sold. If only they had more people like me, they'd have a lot more money. They should have a new badge with my face on it for the scouts that are nutritionally conscious enough to just raise cash instead of this cookie shill campaign. It could change the world. Unfortunately, it would probably crash the cookie economy.

Now I just need to find a way to really send a message to my bosses that they're not doing us any favors by buying a dozen boxes and just leaving them out for us. I'm seriously going to start taking the boxes they put out and just throwing them in the garbage. If they want to leave cookies out they can do it in their own damn offices.

If I can make it through this season without finding myself coming to in a pile of cookie boxes, face covered in peanut butter and thin mint, I will consider myself blessed and lucky.